Neither one of us was looking to have an affair. Adam has said many times, "If someone had told me a year ago, I would be here, I never would have believed them." Ditto, Adam. That's not to say I never thought I would have an affair, or never thought my husband would have an affair. As I have already mentioned, I am a realist. I think a lot of marriages involve at least one spouse having something on the side at some point. I don't think it's realistic to think an affair, or at least an indiscretion, is not going to happen in many marriages. But I pictured it happening in my marriage further down the road. I don't think Adam ever pictured it happening in his marriage.
Adam and I are involved with an ongoing project that involves meetings and events every so often. And we slowly started talking at meetings and events and became friends. We definitely did some harmless flirting. But it was truly very harmless. Neither one of us had any intentions. We just got along really well. We both knew the other was married, and we really were just developing a friendship. We had some things in common, and we enjoyed conversing. We are both very social people, so I didn't give it a second thought.
We made plans over email to grab a drink together. I was becoming more and more involved in the project, and it was totally normal for people to grab drinks with each other to discuss project-related things. I had done it multiple times with other project participants. But I remember starting to feel nervous when we made concrete plans to grab a drink.
I didn't hear from him again after we set a date, so I figured he had forgotten. Or, like me, he had become nervous about grabbing a drink with me and thought that maybe we shouldn't meet up after all. But he emailed me the day we were supposed to meet to see if we were still on and to propose a time and a place. And I remember going, "Oh shit." Because I was not wearing a cute outfit and I had not done my hair that day. I had no make-up with me to "freshen up." I basically looked like crap. And the fact that I cared that I didn't look good definitely threw me for a loop. Why did I care so much?
We had a wonderful time. We talked and talked and talked. We didn't talk about the project at all. We talked about ourselves. He was a total gentleman. He ordered for me, he served me when they brought out the antipasti platter, he paid for everything. And I was so impressed. This was a man. I had never really dated a man before. My husband was definitely not a man. And I found that manliness so damn attractive. But we kept things short and an hour later were walking together to our cars and saying goodbye. And that's when it happened.
We have different versions of the story. He is convinced I kissed him. I am convinced he kissed me. I truly think he is INSANE for thinking I kissed him. I most definitely did NOT kiss him. We went in to hug each other, and the next thing I knew, he went straight for the lips. It was a very brief and innocent kiss. But it was a kiss on the lips. And I was completely stunned. The whole drive home I was in a state of shock. I had no idea what had just happened. Was this guy a sleaze bag? Did he do this type of thing often? Did he have women on the side? But he truly didn't seem like the kind of guy that would cheat. He was very kind and very vanilla.
And then the emails started flying. I am convinced we fell in love over email in that first month. We exchanged something like 500 emails in those weeks. We played a game where we would trade off asking a question that we would both have to answer. Some examples: "If someone gave you $10,000 that you had to spend in 48 hours, what would you do with the money?" "What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?" "If you could go anywhere on your next vacation, where would you go?" "What is your biggest regret?" "What are your 3 best qualities and 3 worst qualities?" The questions flew back and forth. And in this way we learned so much about each other and discovered that we had so many things in common.
We saw each other again for drinks about a month after our first drink together. And this time the kiss at the end was NOT innocent. It was, hands down, the best kiss of my life. And that's when I knew that we were totally screwed. As did he. And we were very freaked out. And we discussed that we couldn't really be doing this.
We tried to go "cold turkey" multiple times and not contact each other. But we found ourselves to be miserable and our willpower would always crumble. For the first few months, the majority of our relationship was over email. We rarely saw each other, and when we did, we would try to do something platonic that wouldn't allow for any misbehavior, like go on a run together or run an errand together ("I need to buy new equipment for my bike, want to come?"). Because we wanted desperately to be in each other's lives, but we were not looking to cheat on our spouses.
But the fact was, we were in love and not admitting it. Well, I was admitting it, but he was in a state of denial and shock. I actually told him multiple times he was in love with me. I would say, "I'm not delusional and full of myself. You're in love with me." I would say it often enough that he even coined an acronym for it. DAFOM (delusional and full of myself).
We eventually started doing "date" type things together. We eventually confessed our love for each other. Well, he eventually admitted that I was correct and he was in love with me and had been for some time. We eventually (6 months after our first drink together) started having sex. And so it became a full blown affair. But it took us a long time for that to happen. We really struggled with it because we didn't want it to be happening.
We all have a dream man or woman in our minds. But we never think we will actually find someone that has all of those qualities, so we spend our years and relationships leading up to marriage deciding what qualities we can't live without and what faults we can live with. And we find someone that fits within those paramaters and we fall in love (or don't fall in love) and we marry them. But with Adam it was different. Because he was, without a doubt, my dream man. He had every quality I had ever wanted in a life partner. He was kind, social, generous, successful, handsome, fun, intelligent, selfless, funny, sincere, responsible, flexible, silly at the right times and serious at the right times, well-educated, well-traveled, well-read, well-liked, on and on and on and on. I couldn't believe he existed! He was literally my dream man! And every day I keep waiting to learn that he is not, that he is some major flaw, that there is something I would never be able to live with, but damn him. He continues to be my dream man, day in and day out.
Regardless of what was lacking in my marriage, regardless of what was lacking in his marriage, I truly believe the affair started because we were perfect for each other. Would his wife say he has all of those dream man qualities? Would my husband say I have all of the wonderful qualities Adam thinks I have? No and no. Because when you meet a person you are meant to be with, they bring out the best in you and you display many qualities you may not display with someone else. I love the person I am when I'm around Adam. He absolutely makes me a better person.
So my affair started for one very simple reason. I had been waiting my entire life to meet Adam. How can you stop yourself from falling in love with the man you have been waiting your entire life to meet? How do you walk away from that? And even more importantly, should you? I couldn't walk away from it. And I didn't think I should.
That is not to say that what I am doing is OK. I am not validating my actions by using the excuse of meeting my dream man. I know what I am doing is morally wrong. But what if it is was your friend, or your child, or even your spouse? Would you want them to forsake the opportunity to experience the most fulfilling, beautiful, powerful relationship they will ever experience with a life partner?
And although it makes life very difficult at times, I an endlessly grateful and excited and astonished and happy that I have met my dream man. And even more grateful and excited and astonished and happy that my dream man loves me. I continue the affair because I think everyone deserves to love and be loved this way. I think very few of us do and are.
I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to end up with my dream man someday. These are my current priorities. You may think all three clash, but I am trying to navigate this life in such a way so that they won't. And it makes life very difficult sometimes. But given my options, I can't imagine my life being any other way than how it is.
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