Adam and I discuss everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. There are no secrets, no lies. We are completely open books with each other. It is one of the things I love about our relationship. I have never been able to be this honest with anyone. I can tell Adam things about myself that I would never tell other people, not even my best friend of 30+ years or my husband. And Adam never judges me. He is incredibly accepting, understanding, patient and supportive. I find his unconditional love so comforting and reassuring, and yet so astonishing. I find it astonishing that I feel comfortable telling him anything, and astonishing that he loves me no matter what I say, do or feel. This is another aspect of true love, of mad, crazy, passionate love, that I have never experienced before.
But there is one topic that is incredibly difficult for us to discuss. One topic that we find ourselves avoiding and having a very hard time being honest about: spousal sex. How much sex are you having with your spouse? When was the last time you had sex with your spouse? What was the sex like? Was it good? Was it bad? Did it last long? Did it mean anything for you? Were you thinking about me? On and on and on. UGH. Spousal sex is something that tortures us.
Since we have decided that we need to stay in our marriages for the time being, we must do certain things to maintain our marriages and keep our spouses happy. Sex is one of those things. But how do we navigate this topic with each other? Do we tell the other one when it has happened? And if we don't tell one another, the other is inevitably going to ask about it. It's like the car wreck you can't look away from. You don't know want to know, but you HAVE to know. The topic of spousal sex seriously plagues us.
It's funny because I have never been particularly emotionally attached to sex. Let's just say I have had plenty of sexual partners. I rarely slept with men I didn't know, but even though I knew most of the guys, the sex usually wasn't very emotional, whether that's because we weren't dating very long, or we were just "friends with benefits," or because I had been with them for a while but wasn't in love. And therefore, I completely understand that it's very possible to have sex that is just sex, sex that doesn't really mean anything.
Since beginning a sexual relationship with Adam, though, my eyes have been opened to how unbelievably emotional sex can be. I don't want to turn this into a smut blog, so I will just say that what Adam and I share physically is unbelievably beautiful, intense, passionate, fun, and always very, very enjoyable. I have always hated the term "making love" because I felt it was so cheesy and just downright gross, but we refuse to refer to what we are doing as "sex." Because it's so much more than that. And so we refer to it as "making love" because the term is just so appropriate. I have never felt so physically connected with someone. Nor has he. And while we debate constantly whether there really is something to be said for chemistry, that we possibly just have crazily compatible chemical make-ups, there is no doubt a large part of our physical connection comes from being so deeply in love. So for us, while sex is extremely fun and physically enjoyable, it is also a very powerful way for us to share our love.
Because our sexual relationship is so emotional, the topic of spousal sex is very painful. It's downright torture to sit back while the man you love so madly is being physically intimate with someone else. Even if I know the sex he is having is uninspired, brief, and sometimes downright unenjoyable, it is still torture knowing that it is going on. And Adam feels the exact same way. He gets insane over the thought of my husband and I having sex. He is equally tortured by it.
I knew that Adam hadn't had sex with his wife for a month. And so every single night for the past several nights I couldn't stop wondering, "Is tonight the night? Are they having sex right at this very moment?" And then images would start popping into my head of the two of them and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. So this morning when I found out they had finally had sex this very morning, I wanted to rip my hair out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to cry. I wanted to barf. As ridiculous as it is to say, how can you not feel betrayed when the man you are in love with has sex with his wife?
But then I took a deep breath. And then relief washed over me. Because I had been very stressed these past days. I know Adam's wife isn't happy with their lack of sex life, and I don't want her to get suspicious of why their sex life is lacking, so his not having sex with her was stressing me out. I also know Adam gets stressed when his wife is unhappy about something related to their marriage because he really struggles internally with the idea that he is being a bad husband, so knowing that he was undoubtably stressed about not having sex with her was stressing me out. And of course I have been incessantly wondering when they would have sex because I knew it would be any minute now, and this unknown was constantly causing me stress. So once my immediate reaction of seeing red and wanting to barf had passed, I was unbelievably relieved that they had finally had sex. Because now we have bought ourselves a few weeks of freedom from the spousal sex torture. (I have had sex with my husband extremely recently also, which Adam knows.)
But still, we don't know how to navigate this topic of spousal sex. We still struggle with what the rules should be. Do we tell each other? Do we ask? If one of us asks, does the other one respond? Seriously, what the hell do we do??
This morning I suggested that maybe we should decide to have sex on the same day. For instance, in a few weeks, we will say, "Ok, tomorrow is Sex with Spouse Day." That way we are on equal footing. We will both be sitting there the entire day wondering when the other one will be doing it, and hoping it's totally lame meaningless sex, and hoping it lasts one minute, and hoping the other gets no enjoyment out of it, and on and on and on with the crazy thoughts. But we'll know we are both dealing with the same torture and that we're in it together. And we'll both know that the next day it will be over and we can breathe again for a few more weeks.
But even this solution isn't perfect. What if my husband tries to have sex with me before then? What if his wife does? We can't exactly turn them down. So do we just keep that a secret from each other? Even though we keep nothing from each other? Or are we open about it even though it will cause the other one pain?
And so I wonder...will we ever get used to spousal sex? Will we ever get to a point where it won't torment us? I just dont know.
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