The Logistics of Being a Paramour

One of the things most exhausting about having an affair is the lying.  Maintaining an affair takes some serious logistics, and those logistics require lies.  I am not a dishonest person.  I do not lie.  I do not steal.  I do not cheat.  I am incredibly uncomfortable with all of those concepts.  And it stuns me that I am able to do these things to maintain my affair.  It equally stuns me that the man I walked down the aisle with has no idea that this is going on.  How can he be so clueless to the double life I lead?  There is not doubt in my mind that he truly has no idea.  Which seems preposterous, yet here we are.

A close friend of mine knows about my affair, and she is in disbelief that I can even logistically pull it off.  How do I see Adam so often?  How do I see him at all really?

So how do I pull it off?  Well, there are lots of logistics.  And I have fine-tuned them over time.

First of all, as I already mentioned, I have a separate anonymous email address for communicating with Adam.  This way if I ever accidentally leave my email open on my shared home computer or if my husband ever accesses my email on my phone, he won't find any correspondence between me and Adam.  I access my email with Adam through a separate app on my phone, and I log out of that email account on the app when there is the possibility of my husband getting his hands on my phone.

I also have my own separate cell phone account.  My husband and I do not have a shared account or a family plan.  My cell bills are paperless and therefore I do not receive a paper bill at the house that my husband could see.  He has no idea how to access my bill online.  Therefore, he cannot see that Adam's number shows up countless times under my calls and texts.  I am neurotic about deleting all call logs and text messages that take place between Adam and me.  We only text when we are not in the presence of our spouses.  We can't take the chance of our spouses catching a glimpse of a text between us.  So when we are with our spouses, we only communicate via email.  I also know that Adam has me saved in his phone under another name, a male name.  That way I won't even show up in his contacts.

Another logistical necessity is deleting photos.  Adam and I take and send photos to each other quite often.  Whether it's a photo of our delicious dinner, or a photo of the nice view during our run, or photos of ourselves, I always have incriminating photos on my phone.  And yes, there is the occasional
risqué photo from me, too.  I had never in my life sent a man sexy photos until I met Adam.  And sometimes when I scroll through my photos I will come across one and be horrified that I forgot to delete it.  What if my husband had seen that? I have never taken a sexy photo for him so it would be glaringly obvious the photo was intended for someone else.

And then there are the logistics of our rendezvous.  Adam and I manage to see each other multiple times a week.  Sometimes it is just for a very quick 20 minute hello and hug and kiss.  Other times it is an actual date night together.  And once in a while we are even lucky enough to have an overnight.  

Since we live and work within a convenient distance of each other, we can coordinate a quick meeting fairly easily.  Sometimes those meetings will be planned ahead of time.  And then there are the days when one of us has had a hard day, or we have faced a difficult obstacle in our relationship, and the only thing that will make us feel better is to see each other and hold each other, even if only for 20 minutes in the car.  And so we will make a point of squeezing it into our day.

The date nights take more planning.  Luckily we are both very social people that often go out with friends so we can use that excuse, and we have professional commitments that allow for some excuses for evening plans as well.  We try to have a date night once a week.  It doesn't always work out, but most times it does.  I prefer the nights when my husband is going to be out.  This way I can go out with Adam and get home before my husband, and my husband never even needs to know I was out.  Pretending I have been sitting at home all night while he was out feels like less of a lie to me.  The nights he is home, it is hard for me to flat-out lie to him and pretend I have been somewhere I haven't, such as dinner at a girlfriend's house.  So I rarely plan a date night on a night I know my husband will be sitting at home.

Date nights require not only figuring out a night we can both get away and an excuse (really a lie), but we also have to figure out where we can meet that will be discreet.  We love going out to dinner together, but we are relegated to choosing restaurants that are off the beaten track or unpopular.  This need for low profile dining has led us to some wonderfully fun and creative dining experiences, though.  Sometimes instead of going out to dinner we will meet for a walk or a sunset viewing.  And we have discovered some amazing parks and hidden spots thanks to the need for secrecy.  It makes it all the more romantic to share a glass of wine with a spectacular sunset view in a secluded spot where we can kiss and snuggle and talk and talk and talk.  I cherish those moments.

And finally there is the most logistically challenging feat of all.  The overnight.  Once in a while, thanks to a "business trip" or a "getaway with a girlfriend/ guy friend" or a spouse being out of town, we can make an overnight happen.  We'll generally stay in a hotel together locally and go out to dinner.  And it is the most wonderful thing in the world to be able to spend the night together.  Regardless of the opportunity to make love freely and repeatedly in the comfort of a nice hotel room, it is really the ability to sleep in each other's arms and wake up together that makes this so special.  The opportunity to wear matching bathrobes and sit on his lap while we eat room service breakfast.  The opportunity to shower together and get ready for the day.  The opportunity to watch him shave.  The opportunity to pretend, just for 14 hours or so, that this is our real life.  That we are a happy normal married couple enjoying a mini getaway while our kids are home with a babysitter.  And it is these glimpses of what our life could be someday that keep us in this relationship, no matter how unbelievably hard, both emotionally and logistically, it can be sometimes.

The thought that someday we can share a bed every night, wake up together every morning, and walk around hand in hand wherever and whenever we want, is an overwhelmingly beautiful scene that runs through my head.  Just like everyone, all I want is to be happy.  And I am happiest when I am with Adam.  And I hope someday to be happy with him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  But in the meantime, I have to keep lying to my husband, whom I do love, and I have to keep focusing on the logistics required to maintain my double life.