One of the hardest parts of having an affair is the weekends. I look at weekends in a whole new way now. I obviously look forward to the weekends because it means no work, and time for relaxation with family and friends. But it also means less communication with my paramour and two days that we most likely won't be able to see each other.
Most of our communication is done over email. In the beginning when we had no idea we were on a path to a full-blown affair, we communicated using our existing email addresses. But as things became more real, and the emails became more intense and incriminating, we realized we needed to create separate email accounts to use for our communications. I was the first one to do it. I created an anonymous account and only corresponded with Adam through that email address. Not very long after, he did the same. Now if our spouses every go through our emails on our home computer or our phone, there won't be anything for them to find.
During the weekdays, we can email as often as we want with no one looking over our shoulder. And we email each other a lot. But when we are home with our spouses, we can't email each other as freely. We do still email quite frequently, but there can be gaps in our communication while we spend time with family or friends. When you're used to communicating anywhere from every 5 minutes to every hour, not hearing from each other for hours can be torture.
The weekend also means that the chances of sex with our spouses are higher. And since there can be gaps in communication during the weekends, I can't help but wonder when I don't hear from Adam until later in the morning for example, what he and his wife are doing that makes him unable to wish me his daily "Good morning, Beautiful Girl!" sooner. And then the awful images start popping into my head.
The weekend also means being jealous of the time he spends with his family. The thought of Adam spending time with his wife and kids doesn't bother me. I know how much he loves those kids, and I know how important it is to him that he be a good father. I try my hardest to encourage Adam to spend time with his kids. It worries me that he is not always emotionally present for them. I have stated to him many times that I don't want him to look back at this time with his children and regret that when he was spending time with them he wasn't emotionally present or that he wasn't enjoying the moment enough because he was thinking about me or missing me or stressing about something difficult we are going through at that time. But even though it is important to me that Adam to spend time with his kids, that doesn't mean it doesn't make me jealous. It drives me crazy that we are not a family, that we will never have kids together. It is something his wife will always share with him. Something I will never share with him.
I don't think of Adam's time with his wife and kids as quality time with his wife. I only think of it as quality time with his kids. I may be delusional in my thinking, and it may just be a coping mechanism, but it keeps me sane. But there is no escapist route for my mind when it comes to date nights. And the weekend means date nights with our spouses. The thought of the two of them sitting across the table at a romantic restaurant sharing a bottle of wine makes me crazy. I always wonder, what do they talk about? Do they laugh? Do they hold hands while they are walking to the car? Does he open the car door for her like he does for me? Of course he does. Duh. Barf, barf, barf.
I think what worries me the most about date nights, or the weekends in general, is that he will somehow reconnect with his wife. I know he spends his time away from me thinking about me. I don't doubt that. His emails always let me know that he wishes we were spending time together, that he misses me. But I irrationally (or rationally) wonder if by spending time with his wife, he will rediscover the things he originally loved about her and realize he is making a huge mistake by having an affair with me. I always wonder if he will somehow fall back in love with her.
My fear of Adam realizing he is making a mistake is probably what weekends represent the most for me. An opportunity for Adam to spend quality time with his family, to reconnect with his wife physically and emotionally, to play the role of the good father and the loving, doting husband, to rediscover feelings he shares with his wife, to realize his relationship with me is something that jeopardizes his perfect, happy, cookie-cutter, vanilla life. We always laugh about how he is vanilla and I am mint-chip. And he says he is now more like caramel. But on the weekends he is vanilla, and I worry that he'll realize vanilla is his favorite flavor after all.
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