When my paramour and I first started coming to terms with what was happening and where things were going and realizing that this wasn't a fleeting, temporary situation, I actually Googled, "What is the male version of a mistress?" Because I realized that I didn't know what to call him. My lover? My boyfriend? My other husband? And Wikipedia very knowledgeably asserted that a male mistress was sometimes referred to as a "paramour." It was a word with which I had never really familiarized myself.
It sounds so formal to me, so unsentimental, so technical. "Paramour." It sounds like the scientific term for "mistress." My paramour and I would laugh and laugh at what a ridiculous word it was, and to this day we still have never found a word we think appropriate. But since the topic of each other doesn't really come up in casual conversation ("Oh, my paramour and I just tried that restaurant the other night and the duck confit was fabulous."), we don't really need to find an appropriate word.
I am a married woman. My paramour is a married man. We are not particularly unhappy in our marriages, nor are we particularly happy. Neither of us has cheated before. Neither of us was looking for any extramarital activities. Neither of us wanted this to happen. We most definitely did NOT want this to happen. But it did, and we couldn't stop it. We tried several times in the early stages. But the fact was we were falling madly, passionately, crazily in love with each other, and that's a very very hard thing to stop or walk away from.
I am a realist. Some might say one of my faults is the extent to which I am a realist. I think life is hard. I think shit happens. I think marriage is hard. Really hard. I think shit happens in marriages. I think marriage sets us up for failure. Is it realistic to think that two people who meet each other totally randomly (in a bar, online, on a blind date, on an airplane, whatever) are then going to be able to successfully and happily spend the rest of their lives together? Sometimes yes. A lot of times no. I mean, think how random it is that you go through your life as you, liking what you like, doing what you do, valuing the things you value...and then one day you strike up a conversation with a person in an airport and suddenly you're on a path to sharing EVERYTHING with that random person who just happened to be standing there at that moment.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a romantic. I do believe that some people actually end up with someone with whom they are madly, passionately, crazily in love, and it's not just some temporary or immature thing. Those two people are meant to be together, and they will be in love for the rest of their lives. But I think it is rare, and I think it is sad that it is such a rarity. And the rest of us are just expected to go along as if we are in a perfect marriage, as if we will be so in love for the rest of our lives, as if we still are so in love right now. And I just wish as a society we could be more real about this. More honest.
But, I'm not writing this blog to preach about the rights and wrongs of our societal views of marriage. I'm not writing this blog to convince you (or myself) that what I am doing is OK. I'm not condoning my lifestyle. I am writing this blog because I think love is a very special and powerful force, and I don't take it lightly. And I believe I have met someone that I could be very, very, very in love with for the rest of my life. And that man is not my husband. And every day I face what I have to in order to get closer to a time when I can share my life with that man. But there are so many things going on in my life I can never talk about with anyone, and I desperately want to.
Some of you will read my blog and hate me. You will think I am a horrible person and send me vicious emails. But some of you will relate to me and be so relieved to read my words because affairs are happening everywhere, constantly, and you might be in one yourself. And some of you will simply find my life fascinating. So whatever category you fall into, I am relieved you're out there because I have so much I want to share. And I have no one I can really share it with but you.
