One of the things most exhausting about having an affair is the lying. Maintaining an affair takes some serious logistics, and those logistics require lies. I am not a dishonest person. I do not lie. I do not steal. I do not cheat. I am incredibly uncomfortable with all of those concepts. And it stuns me that I am able to do these things to maintain my affair. It equally stuns me that the man I walked down the aisle with has no idea that this is going on. How can he be so clueless to the double life I lead? There is not doubt in my mind that he truly has no idea. Which seems preposterous, yet here we are.
A close friend of mine knows about my affair, and she is in disbelief that I can even logistically pull it off. How do I see Adam so often? How do I see him at all really?
So how do I pull it off? Well, there are lots of logistics. And I have fine-tuned them over time.
First of all, as I already mentioned, I have a separate anonymous email address for communicating with Adam. This way if I ever accidentally leave my email open on my shared home computer or if my husband ever accesses my email on my phone, he won't find any correspondence between me and Adam. I access my email with Adam through a separate app on my phone, and I log out of that email account on the app when there is the possibility of my husband getting his hands on my phone.
I also have my own separate cell phone account. My husband and I do not have a shared account or a family plan. My cell bills are paperless and therefore I do not receive a paper bill at the house that my husband could see. He has no idea how to access my bill online. Therefore, he cannot see that Adam's number shows up countless times under my calls and texts. I am neurotic about deleting all call logs and text messages that take place between Adam and me. We only text when we are not in the presence of our spouses. We can't take the chance of our spouses catching a glimpse of a text between us. So when we are with our spouses, we only communicate via email. I also know that Adam has me saved in his phone under another name, a male name. That way I won't even show up in his contacts.
Another logistical necessity is deleting photos. Adam and I take and send photos to each other quite often. Whether it's a photo of our delicious dinner, or a photo of the nice view during our run, or photos of ourselves, I always have incriminating photos on my phone. And yes, there is the occasional
risqué photo from me, too. I had never in my life sent a man sexy photos until I met Adam. And sometimes when I scroll through my photos I will come across one and be horrified that I forgot to delete it. What if my husband had seen that? I have never taken a sexy photo for him so it would be glaringly obvious the photo was intended for someone else.
And then there are the logistics of our rendezvous. Adam and I manage to see each other multiple times a week. Sometimes it is just for a very quick 20 minute hello and hug and kiss. Other times it is an actual date night together. And once in a while we are even lucky enough to have an overnight.
Since we live and work within a convenient distance of each other, we can coordinate a quick meeting fairly easily. Sometimes those meetings will be planned ahead of time. And then there are the days when one of us has had a hard day, or we have faced a difficult obstacle in our relationship, and the only thing that will make us feel better is to see each other and hold each other, even if only for 20 minutes in the car. And so we will make a point of squeezing it into our day.
The date nights take more planning. Luckily we are both very social people that often go out with friends so we can use that excuse, and we have professional commitments that allow for some excuses for evening plans as well. We try to have a date night once a week. It doesn't always work out, but most times it does. I prefer the nights when my husband is going to be out. This way I can go out with Adam and get home before my husband, and my husband never even needs to know I was out. Pretending I have been sitting at home all night while he was out feels like less of a lie to me. The nights he is home, it is hard for me to flat-out lie to him and pretend I have been somewhere I haven't, such as dinner at a girlfriend's house. So I rarely plan a date night on a night I know my husband will be sitting at home.
Date nights require not only figuring out a night we can both get away and an excuse (really a lie), but we also have to figure out where we can meet that will be discreet. We love going out to dinner together, but we are relegated to choosing restaurants that are off the beaten track or unpopular. This need for low profile dining has led us to some wonderfully fun and creative dining experiences, though. Sometimes instead of going out to dinner we will meet for a walk or a sunset viewing. And we have discovered some amazing parks and hidden spots thanks to the need for secrecy. It makes it all the more romantic to share a glass of wine with a spectacular sunset view in a secluded spot where we can kiss and snuggle and talk and talk and talk. I cherish those moments.
And finally there is the most logistically challenging feat of all. The overnight. Once in a while, thanks to a "business trip" or a "getaway with a girlfriend/ guy friend" or a spouse being out of town, we can make an overnight happen. We'll generally stay in a hotel together locally and go out to dinner. And it is the most wonderful thing in the world to be able to spend the night together. Regardless of the opportunity to make love freely and repeatedly in the comfort of a nice hotel room, it is really the ability to sleep in each other's arms and wake up together that makes this so special. The opportunity to wear matching bathrobes and sit on his lap while we eat room service breakfast. The opportunity to shower together and get ready for the day. The opportunity to watch him shave. The opportunity to pretend, just for 14 hours or so, that this is our real life. That we are a happy normal married couple enjoying a mini getaway while our kids are home with a babysitter. And it is these glimpses of what our life could be someday that keep us in this relationship, no matter how unbelievably hard, both emotionally and logistically, it can be sometimes.
The thought that someday we can share a bed every night, wake up together every morning, and walk around hand in hand wherever and whenever we want, is an overwhelmingly beautiful scene that runs through my head. Just like everyone, all I want is to be happy. And I am happiest when I am with Adam. And I hope someday to be happy with him every minute of every day for the rest of my life. But in the meantime, I have to keep lying to my husband, whom I do love, and I have to keep focusing on the logistics required to maintain my double life.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
A Paramour's Weekend
One of the hardest parts of having an affair is the weekends. I look at weekends in a whole new way now. I obviously look forward to the weekends because it means no work, and time for relaxation with family and friends. But it also means less communication with my paramour and two days that we most likely won't be able to see each other.
Most of our communication is done over email. In the beginning when we had no idea we were on a path to a full-blown affair, we communicated using our existing email addresses. But as things became more real, and the emails became more intense and incriminating, we realized we needed to create separate email accounts to use for our communications. I was the first one to do it. I created an anonymous account and only corresponded with Adam through that email address. Not very long after, he did the same. Now if our spouses every go through our emails on our home computer or our phone, there won't be anything for them to find.
During the weekdays, we can email as often as we want with no one looking over our shoulder. And we email each other a lot. But when we are home with our spouses, we can't email each other as freely. We do still email quite frequently, but there can be gaps in our communication while we spend time with family or friends. When you're used to communicating anywhere from every 5 minutes to every hour, not hearing from each other for hours can be torture.
The weekend also means that the chances of sex with our spouses are higher. And since there can be gaps in communication during the weekends, I can't help but wonder when I don't hear from Adam until later in the morning for example, what he and his wife are doing that makes him unable to wish me his daily "Good morning, Beautiful Girl!" sooner. And then the awful images start popping into my head.
The weekend also means being jealous of the time he spends with his family. The thought of Adam spending time with his wife and kids doesn't bother me. I know how much he loves those kids, and I know how important it is to him that he be a good father. I try my hardest to encourage Adam to spend time with his kids. It worries me that he is not always emotionally present for them. I have stated to him many times that I don't want him to look back at this time with his children and regret that when he was spending time with them he wasn't emotionally present or that he wasn't enjoying the moment enough because he was thinking about me or missing me or stressing about something difficult we are going through at that time. But even though it is important to me that Adam to spend time with his kids, that doesn't mean it doesn't make me jealous. It drives me crazy that we are not a family, that we will never have kids together. It is something his wife will always share with him. Something I will never share with him.
I don't think of Adam's time with his wife and kids as quality time with his wife. I only think of it as quality time with his kids. I may be delusional in my thinking, and it may just be a coping mechanism, but it keeps me sane. But there is no escapist route for my mind when it comes to date nights. And the weekend means date nights with our spouses. The thought of the two of them sitting across the table at a romantic restaurant sharing a bottle of wine makes me crazy. I always wonder, what do they talk about? Do they laugh? Do they hold hands while they are walking to the car? Does he open the car door for her like he does for me? Of course he does. Duh. Barf, barf, barf.
I think what worries me the most about date nights, or the weekends in general, is that he will somehow reconnect with his wife. I know he spends his time away from me thinking about me. I don't doubt that. His emails always let me know that he wishes we were spending time together, that he misses me. But I irrationally (or rationally) wonder if by spending time with his wife, he will rediscover the things he originally loved about her and realize he is making a huge mistake by having an affair with me. I always wonder if he will somehow fall back in love with her.
My fear of Adam realizing he is making a mistake is probably what weekends represent the most for me. An opportunity for Adam to spend quality time with his family, to reconnect with his wife physically and emotionally, to play the role of the good father and the loving, doting husband, to rediscover feelings he shares with his wife, to realize his relationship with me is something that jeopardizes his perfect, happy, cookie-cutter, vanilla life. We always laugh about how he is vanilla and I am mint-chip. And he says he is now more like caramel. But on the weekends he is vanilla, and I worry that he'll realize vanilla is his favorite flavor after all.
Most of our communication is done over email. In the beginning when we had no idea we were on a path to a full-blown affair, we communicated using our existing email addresses. But as things became more real, and the emails became more intense and incriminating, we realized we needed to create separate email accounts to use for our communications. I was the first one to do it. I created an anonymous account and only corresponded with Adam through that email address. Not very long after, he did the same. Now if our spouses every go through our emails on our home computer or our phone, there won't be anything for them to find.
During the weekdays, we can email as often as we want with no one looking over our shoulder. And we email each other a lot. But when we are home with our spouses, we can't email each other as freely. We do still email quite frequently, but there can be gaps in our communication while we spend time with family or friends. When you're used to communicating anywhere from every 5 minutes to every hour, not hearing from each other for hours can be torture.
The weekend also means that the chances of sex with our spouses are higher. And since there can be gaps in communication during the weekends, I can't help but wonder when I don't hear from Adam until later in the morning for example, what he and his wife are doing that makes him unable to wish me his daily "Good morning, Beautiful Girl!" sooner. And then the awful images start popping into my head.
The weekend also means being jealous of the time he spends with his family. The thought of Adam spending time with his wife and kids doesn't bother me. I know how much he loves those kids, and I know how important it is to him that he be a good father. I try my hardest to encourage Adam to spend time with his kids. It worries me that he is not always emotionally present for them. I have stated to him many times that I don't want him to look back at this time with his children and regret that when he was spending time with them he wasn't emotionally present or that he wasn't enjoying the moment enough because he was thinking about me or missing me or stressing about something difficult we are going through at that time. But even though it is important to me that Adam to spend time with his kids, that doesn't mean it doesn't make me jealous. It drives me crazy that we are not a family, that we will never have kids together. It is something his wife will always share with him. Something I will never share with him.
I don't think of Adam's time with his wife and kids as quality time with his wife. I only think of it as quality time with his kids. I may be delusional in my thinking, and it may just be a coping mechanism, but it keeps me sane. But there is no escapist route for my mind when it comes to date nights. And the weekend means date nights with our spouses. The thought of the two of them sitting across the table at a romantic restaurant sharing a bottle of wine makes me crazy. I always wonder, what do they talk about? Do they laugh? Do they hold hands while they are walking to the car? Does he open the car door for her like he does for me? Of course he does. Duh. Barf, barf, barf.
I think what worries me the most about date nights, or the weekends in general, is that he will somehow reconnect with his wife. I know he spends his time away from me thinking about me. I don't doubt that. His emails always let me know that he wishes we were spending time together, that he misses me. But I irrationally (or rationally) wonder if by spending time with his wife, he will rediscover the things he originally loved about her and realize he is making a huge mistake by having an affair with me. I always wonder if he will somehow fall back in love with her.
My fear of Adam realizing he is making a mistake is probably what weekends represent the most for me. An opportunity for Adam to spend quality time with his family, to reconnect with his wife physically and emotionally, to play the role of the good father and the loving, doting husband, to rediscover feelings he shares with his wife, to realize his relationship with me is something that jeopardizes his perfect, happy, cookie-cutter, vanilla life. We always laugh about how he is vanilla and I am mint-chip. And he says he is now more like caramel. But on the weekends he is vanilla, and I worry that he'll realize vanilla is his favorite flavor after all.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Spousal Sex
Adam and I discuss everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. There are no secrets, no lies. We are completely open books with each other. It is one of the things I love about our relationship. I have never been able to be this honest with anyone. I can tell Adam things about myself that I would never tell other people, not even my best friend of 30+ years or my husband. And Adam never judges me. He is incredibly accepting, understanding, patient and supportive. I find his unconditional love so comforting and reassuring, and yet so astonishing. I find it astonishing that I feel comfortable telling him anything, and astonishing that he loves me no matter what I say, do or feel. This is another aspect of true love, of mad, crazy, passionate love, that I have never experienced before.
But there is one topic that is incredibly difficult for us to discuss. One topic that we find ourselves avoiding and having a very hard time being honest about: spousal sex. How much sex are you having with your spouse? When was the last time you had sex with your spouse? What was the sex like? Was it good? Was it bad? Did it last long? Did it mean anything for you? Were you thinking about me? On and on and on. UGH. Spousal sex is something that tortures us.
Since we have decided that we need to stay in our marriages for the time being, we must do certain things to maintain our marriages and keep our spouses happy. Sex is one of those things. But how do we navigate this topic with each other? Do we tell the other one when it has happened? And if we don't tell one another, the other is inevitably going to ask about it. It's like the car wreck you can't look away from. You don't know want to know, but you HAVE to know. The topic of spousal sex seriously plagues us.
It's funny because I have never been particularly emotionally attached to sex. Let's just say I have had plenty of sexual partners. I rarely slept with men I didn't know, but even though I knew most of the guys, the sex usually wasn't very emotional, whether that's because we weren't dating very long, or we were just "friends with benefits," or because I had been with them for a while but wasn't in love. And therefore, I completely understand that it's very possible to have sex that is just sex, sex that doesn't really mean anything.
Since beginning a sexual relationship with Adam, though, my eyes have been opened to how unbelievably emotional sex can be. I don't want to turn this into a smut blog, so I will just say that what Adam and I share physically is unbelievably beautiful, intense, passionate, fun, and always very, very enjoyable. I have always hated the term "making love" because I felt it was so cheesy and just downright gross, but we refuse to refer to what we are doing as "sex." Because it's so much more than that. And so we refer to it as "making love" because the term is just so appropriate. I have never felt so physically connected with someone. Nor has he. And while we debate constantly whether there really is something to be said for chemistry, that we possibly just have crazily compatible chemical make-ups, there is no doubt a large part of our physical connection comes from being so deeply in love. So for us, while sex is extremely fun and physically enjoyable, it is also a very powerful way for us to share our love.
Because our sexual relationship is so emotional, the topic of spousal sex is very painful. It's downright torture to sit back while the man you love so madly is being physically intimate with someone else. Even if I know the sex he is having is uninspired, brief, and sometimes downright unenjoyable, it is still torture knowing that it is going on. And Adam feels the exact same way. He gets insane over the thought of my husband and I having sex. He is equally tortured by it.
I knew that Adam hadn't had sex with his wife for a month. And so every single night for the past several nights I couldn't stop wondering, "Is tonight the night? Are they having sex right at this very moment?" And then images would start popping into my head of the two of them and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. So this morning when I found out they had finally had sex this very morning, I wanted to rip my hair out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to cry. I wanted to barf. As ridiculous as it is to say, how can you not feel betrayed when the man you are in love with has sex with his wife?
But then I took a deep breath. And then relief washed over me. Because I had been very stressed these past days. I know Adam's wife isn't happy with their lack of sex life, and I don't want her to get suspicious of why their sex life is lacking, so his not having sex with her was stressing me out. I also know Adam gets stressed when his wife is unhappy about something related to their marriage because he really struggles internally with the idea that he is being a bad husband, so knowing that he was undoubtably stressed about not having sex with her was stressing me out. And of course I have been incessantly wondering when they would have sex because I knew it would be any minute now, and this unknown was constantly causing me stress. So once my immediate reaction of seeing red and wanting to barf had passed, I was unbelievably relieved that they had finally had sex. Because now we have bought ourselves a few weeks of freedom from the spousal sex torture. (I have had sex with my husband extremely recently also, which Adam knows.)
But still, we don't know how to navigate this topic of spousal sex. We still struggle with what the rules should be. Do we tell each other? Do we ask? If one of us asks, does the other one respond? Seriously, what the hell do we do??
This morning I suggested that maybe we should decide to have sex on the same day. For instance, in a few weeks, we will say, "Ok, tomorrow is Sex with Spouse Day." That way we are on equal footing. We will both be sitting there the entire day wondering when the other one will be doing it, and hoping it's totally lame meaningless sex, and hoping it lasts one minute, and hoping the other gets no enjoyment out of it, and on and on and on with the crazy thoughts. But we'll know we are both dealing with the same torture and that we're in it together. And we'll both know that the next day it will be over and we can breathe again for a few more weeks.
But even this solution isn't perfect. What if my husband tries to have sex with me before then? What if his wife does? We can't exactly turn them down. So do we just keep that a secret from each other? Even though we keep nothing from each other? Or are we open about it even though it will cause the other one pain?
And so I wonder...will we ever get used to spousal sex? Will we ever get to a point where it won't torment us? I just dont know.
But there is one topic that is incredibly difficult for us to discuss. One topic that we find ourselves avoiding and having a very hard time being honest about: spousal sex. How much sex are you having with your spouse? When was the last time you had sex with your spouse? What was the sex like? Was it good? Was it bad? Did it last long? Did it mean anything for you? Were you thinking about me? On and on and on. UGH. Spousal sex is something that tortures us.
Since we have decided that we need to stay in our marriages for the time being, we must do certain things to maintain our marriages and keep our spouses happy. Sex is one of those things. But how do we navigate this topic with each other? Do we tell the other one when it has happened? And if we don't tell one another, the other is inevitably going to ask about it. It's like the car wreck you can't look away from. You don't know want to know, but you HAVE to know. The topic of spousal sex seriously plagues us.
It's funny because I have never been particularly emotionally attached to sex. Let's just say I have had plenty of sexual partners. I rarely slept with men I didn't know, but even though I knew most of the guys, the sex usually wasn't very emotional, whether that's because we weren't dating very long, or we were just "friends with benefits," or because I had been with them for a while but wasn't in love. And therefore, I completely understand that it's very possible to have sex that is just sex, sex that doesn't really mean anything.
Since beginning a sexual relationship with Adam, though, my eyes have been opened to how unbelievably emotional sex can be. I don't want to turn this into a smut blog, so I will just say that what Adam and I share physically is unbelievably beautiful, intense, passionate, fun, and always very, very enjoyable. I have always hated the term "making love" because I felt it was so cheesy and just downright gross, but we refuse to refer to what we are doing as "sex." Because it's so much more than that. And so we refer to it as "making love" because the term is just so appropriate. I have never felt so physically connected with someone. Nor has he. And while we debate constantly whether there really is something to be said for chemistry, that we possibly just have crazily compatible chemical make-ups, there is no doubt a large part of our physical connection comes from being so deeply in love. So for us, while sex is extremely fun and physically enjoyable, it is also a very powerful way for us to share our love.
Because our sexual relationship is so emotional, the topic of spousal sex is very painful. It's downright torture to sit back while the man you love so madly is being physically intimate with someone else. Even if I know the sex he is having is uninspired, brief, and sometimes downright unenjoyable, it is still torture knowing that it is going on. And Adam feels the exact same way. He gets insane over the thought of my husband and I having sex. He is equally tortured by it.
I knew that Adam hadn't had sex with his wife for a month. And so every single night for the past several nights I couldn't stop wondering, "Is tonight the night? Are they having sex right at this very moment?" And then images would start popping into my head of the two of them and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. So this morning when I found out they had finally had sex this very morning, I wanted to rip my hair out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to cry. I wanted to barf. As ridiculous as it is to say, how can you not feel betrayed when the man you are in love with has sex with his wife?
But then I took a deep breath. And then relief washed over me. Because I had been very stressed these past days. I know Adam's wife isn't happy with their lack of sex life, and I don't want her to get suspicious of why their sex life is lacking, so his not having sex with her was stressing me out. I also know Adam gets stressed when his wife is unhappy about something related to their marriage because he really struggles internally with the idea that he is being a bad husband, so knowing that he was undoubtably stressed about not having sex with her was stressing me out. And of course I have been incessantly wondering when they would have sex because I knew it would be any minute now, and this unknown was constantly causing me stress. So once my immediate reaction of seeing red and wanting to barf had passed, I was unbelievably relieved that they had finally had sex. Because now we have bought ourselves a few weeks of freedom from the spousal sex torture. (I have had sex with my husband extremely recently also, which Adam knows.)
But still, we don't know how to navigate this topic of spousal sex. We still struggle with what the rules should be. Do we tell each other? Do we ask? If one of us asks, does the other one respond? Seriously, what the hell do we do??
This morning I suggested that maybe we should decide to have sex on the same day. For instance, in a few weeks, we will say, "Ok, tomorrow is Sex with Spouse Day." That way we are on equal footing. We will both be sitting there the entire day wondering when the other one will be doing it, and hoping it's totally lame meaningless sex, and hoping it lasts one minute, and hoping the other gets no enjoyment out of it, and on and on and on with the crazy thoughts. But we'll know we are both dealing with the same torture and that we're in it together. And we'll both know that the next day it will be over and we can breathe again for a few more weeks.
But even this solution isn't perfect. What if my husband tries to have sex with me before then? What if his wife does? We can't exactly turn them down. So do we just keep that a secret from each other? Even though we keep nothing from each other? Or are we open about it even though it will cause the other one pain?
And so I wonder...will we ever get used to spousal sex? Will we ever get to a point where it won't torment us? I just dont know.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
How The Affair Started
Neither one of us was looking to have an affair. Adam has said many times, "If someone had told me a year ago, I would be here, I never would have believed them." Ditto, Adam. That's not to say I never thought I would have an affair, or never thought my husband would have an affair. As I have already mentioned, I am a realist. I think a lot of marriages involve at least one spouse having something on the side at some point. I don't think it's realistic to think an affair, or at least an indiscretion, is not going to happen in many marriages. But I pictured it happening in my marriage further down the road. I don't think Adam ever pictured it happening in his marriage.
Adam and I are involved with an ongoing project that involves meetings and events every so often. And we slowly started talking at meetings and events and became friends. We definitely did some harmless flirting. But it was truly very harmless. Neither one of us had any intentions. We just got along really well. We both knew the other was married, and we really were just developing a friendship. We had some things in common, and we enjoyed conversing. We are both very social people, so I didn't give it a second thought.
We made plans over email to grab a drink together. I was becoming more and more involved in the project, and it was totally normal for people to grab drinks with each other to discuss project-related things. I had done it multiple times with other project participants. But I remember starting to feel nervous when we made concrete plans to grab a drink.
I didn't hear from him again after we set a date, so I figured he had forgotten. Or, like me, he had become nervous about grabbing a drink with me and thought that maybe we shouldn't meet up after all. But he emailed me the day we were supposed to meet to see if we were still on and to propose a time and a place. And I remember going, "Oh shit." Because I was not wearing a cute outfit and I had not done my hair that day. I had no make-up with me to "freshen up." I basically looked like crap. And the fact that I cared that I didn't look good definitely threw me for a loop. Why did I care so much?
We had a wonderful time. We talked and talked and talked. We didn't talk about the project at all. We talked about ourselves. He was a total gentleman. He ordered for me, he served me when they brought out the antipasti platter, he paid for everything. And I was so impressed. This was a man. I had never really dated a man before. My husband was definitely not a man. And I found that manliness so damn attractive. But we kept things short and an hour later were walking together to our cars and saying goodbye. And that's when it happened.
We have different versions of the story. He is convinced I kissed him. I am convinced he kissed me. I truly think he is INSANE for thinking I kissed him. I most definitely did NOT kiss him. We went in to hug each other, and the next thing I knew, he went straight for the lips. It was a very brief and innocent kiss. But it was a kiss on the lips. And I was completely stunned. The whole drive home I was in a state of shock. I had no idea what had just happened. Was this guy a sleaze bag? Did he do this type of thing often? Did he have women on the side? But he truly didn't seem like the kind of guy that would cheat. He was very kind and very vanilla.
And then the emails started flying. I am convinced we fell in love over email in that first month. We exchanged something like 500 emails in those weeks. We played a game where we would trade off asking a question that we would both have to answer. Some examples: "If someone gave you $10,000 that you had to spend in 48 hours, what would you do with the money?" "What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?" "If you could go anywhere on your next vacation, where would you go?" "What is your biggest regret?" "What are your 3 best qualities and 3 worst qualities?" The questions flew back and forth. And in this way we learned so much about each other and discovered that we had so many things in common.
We saw each other again for drinks about a month after our first drink together. And this time the kiss at the end was NOT innocent. It was, hands down, the best kiss of my life. And that's when I knew that we were totally screwed. As did he. And we were very freaked out. And we discussed that we couldn't really be doing this.
We tried to go "cold turkey" multiple times and not contact each other. But we found ourselves to be miserable and our willpower would always crumble. For the first few months, the majority of our relationship was over email. We rarely saw each other, and when we did, we would try to do something platonic that wouldn't allow for any misbehavior, like go on a run together or run an errand together ("I need to buy new equipment for my bike, want to come?"). Because we wanted desperately to be in each other's lives, but we were not looking to cheat on our spouses.
But the fact was, we were in love and not admitting it. Well, I was admitting it, but he was in a state of denial and shock. I actually told him multiple times he was in love with me. I would say, "I'm not delusional and full of myself. You're in love with me." I would say it often enough that he even coined an acronym for it. DAFOM (delusional and full of myself).
We eventually started doing "date" type things together. We eventually confessed our love for each other. Well, he eventually admitted that I was correct and he was in love with me and had been for some time. We eventually (6 months after our first drink together) started having sex. And so it became a full blown affair. But it took us a long time for that to happen. We really struggled with it because we didn't want it to be happening.
We all have a dream man or woman in our minds. But we never think we will actually find someone that has all of those qualities, so we spend our years and relationships leading up to marriage deciding what qualities we can't live without and what faults we can live with. And we find someone that fits within those paramaters and we fall in love (or don't fall in love) and we marry them. But with Adam it was different. Because he was, without a doubt, my dream man. He had every quality I had ever wanted in a life partner. He was kind, social, generous, successful, handsome, fun, intelligent, selfless, funny, sincere, responsible, flexible, silly at the right times and serious at the right times, well-educated, well-traveled, well-read, well-liked, on and on and on and on. I couldn't believe he existed! He was literally my dream man! And every day I keep waiting to learn that he is not, that he is some major flaw, that there is something I would never be able to live with, but damn him. He continues to be my dream man, day in and day out.
Regardless of what was lacking in my marriage, regardless of what was lacking in his marriage, I truly believe the affair started because we were perfect for each other. Would his wife say he has all of those dream man qualities? Would my husband say I have all of the wonderful qualities Adam thinks I have? No and no. Because when you meet a person you are meant to be with, they bring out the best in you and you display many qualities you may not display with someone else. I love the person I am when I'm around Adam. He absolutely makes me a better person.
So my affair started for one very simple reason. I had been waiting my entire life to meet Adam. How can you stop yourself from falling in love with the man you have been waiting your entire life to meet? How do you walk away from that? And even more importantly, should you? I couldn't walk away from it. And I didn't think I should.
That is not to say that what I am doing is OK. I am not validating my actions by using the excuse of meeting my dream man. I know what I am doing is morally wrong. But what if it is was your friend, or your child, or even your spouse? Would you want them to forsake the opportunity to experience the most fulfilling, beautiful, powerful relationship they will ever experience with a life partner?
And although it makes life very difficult at times, I an endlessly grateful and excited and astonished and happy that I have met my dream man. And even more grateful and excited and astonished and happy that my dream man loves me. I continue the affair because I think everyone deserves to love and be loved this way. I think very few of us do and are.
I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to end up with my dream man someday. These are my current priorities. You may think all three clash, but I am trying to navigate this life in such a way so that they won't. And it makes life very difficult sometimes. But given my options, I can't imagine my life being any other way than how it is.
Adam and I are involved with an ongoing project that involves meetings and events every so often. And we slowly started talking at meetings and events and became friends. We definitely did some harmless flirting. But it was truly very harmless. Neither one of us had any intentions. We just got along really well. We both knew the other was married, and we really were just developing a friendship. We had some things in common, and we enjoyed conversing. We are both very social people, so I didn't give it a second thought.
We made plans over email to grab a drink together. I was becoming more and more involved in the project, and it was totally normal for people to grab drinks with each other to discuss project-related things. I had done it multiple times with other project participants. But I remember starting to feel nervous when we made concrete plans to grab a drink.
I didn't hear from him again after we set a date, so I figured he had forgotten. Or, like me, he had become nervous about grabbing a drink with me and thought that maybe we shouldn't meet up after all. But he emailed me the day we were supposed to meet to see if we were still on and to propose a time and a place. And I remember going, "Oh shit." Because I was not wearing a cute outfit and I had not done my hair that day. I had no make-up with me to "freshen up." I basically looked like crap. And the fact that I cared that I didn't look good definitely threw me for a loop. Why did I care so much?
We had a wonderful time. We talked and talked and talked. We didn't talk about the project at all. We talked about ourselves. He was a total gentleman. He ordered for me, he served me when they brought out the antipasti platter, he paid for everything. And I was so impressed. This was a man. I had never really dated a man before. My husband was definitely not a man. And I found that manliness so damn attractive. But we kept things short and an hour later were walking together to our cars and saying goodbye. And that's when it happened.
We have different versions of the story. He is convinced I kissed him. I am convinced he kissed me. I truly think he is INSANE for thinking I kissed him. I most definitely did NOT kiss him. We went in to hug each other, and the next thing I knew, he went straight for the lips. It was a very brief and innocent kiss. But it was a kiss on the lips. And I was completely stunned. The whole drive home I was in a state of shock. I had no idea what had just happened. Was this guy a sleaze bag? Did he do this type of thing often? Did he have women on the side? But he truly didn't seem like the kind of guy that would cheat. He was very kind and very vanilla.
And then the emails started flying. I am convinced we fell in love over email in that first month. We exchanged something like 500 emails in those weeks. We played a game where we would trade off asking a question that we would both have to answer. Some examples: "If someone gave you $10,000 that you had to spend in 48 hours, what would you do with the money?" "What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?" "If you could go anywhere on your next vacation, where would you go?" "What is your biggest regret?" "What are your 3 best qualities and 3 worst qualities?" The questions flew back and forth. And in this way we learned so much about each other and discovered that we had so many things in common.
We saw each other again for drinks about a month after our first drink together. And this time the kiss at the end was NOT innocent. It was, hands down, the best kiss of my life. And that's when I knew that we were totally screwed. As did he. And we were very freaked out. And we discussed that we couldn't really be doing this.
We tried to go "cold turkey" multiple times and not contact each other. But we found ourselves to be miserable and our willpower would always crumble. For the first few months, the majority of our relationship was over email. We rarely saw each other, and when we did, we would try to do something platonic that wouldn't allow for any misbehavior, like go on a run together or run an errand together ("I need to buy new equipment for my bike, want to come?"). Because we wanted desperately to be in each other's lives, but we were not looking to cheat on our spouses.
But the fact was, we were in love and not admitting it. Well, I was admitting it, but he was in a state of denial and shock. I actually told him multiple times he was in love with me. I would say, "I'm not delusional and full of myself. You're in love with me." I would say it often enough that he even coined an acronym for it. DAFOM (delusional and full of myself).
We eventually started doing "date" type things together. We eventually confessed our love for each other. Well, he eventually admitted that I was correct and he was in love with me and had been for some time. We eventually (6 months after our first drink together) started having sex. And so it became a full blown affair. But it took us a long time for that to happen. We really struggled with it because we didn't want it to be happening.
We all have a dream man or woman in our minds. But we never think we will actually find someone that has all of those qualities, so we spend our years and relationships leading up to marriage deciding what qualities we can't live without and what faults we can live with. And we find someone that fits within those paramaters and we fall in love (or don't fall in love) and we marry them. But with Adam it was different. Because he was, without a doubt, my dream man. He had every quality I had ever wanted in a life partner. He was kind, social, generous, successful, handsome, fun, intelligent, selfless, funny, sincere, responsible, flexible, silly at the right times and serious at the right times, well-educated, well-traveled, well-read, well-liked, on and on and on and on. I couldn't believe he existed! He was literally my dream man! And every day I keep waiting to learn that he is not, that he is some major flaw, that there is something I would never be able to live with, but damn him. He continues to be my dream man, day in and day out.
Regardless of what was lacking in my marriage, regardless of what was lacking in his marriage, I truly believe the affair started because we were perfect for each other. Would his wife say he has all of those dream man qualities? Would my husband say I have all of the wonderful qualities Adam thinks I have? No and no. Because when you meet a person you are meant to be with, they bring out the best in you and you display many qualities you may not display with someone else. I love the person I am when I'm around Adam. He absolutely makes me a better person.
So my affair started for one very simple reason. I had been waiting my entire life to meet Adam. How can you stop yourself from falling in love with the man you have been waiting your entire life to meet? How do you walk away from that? And even more importantly, should you? I couldn't walk away from it. And I didn't think I should.
That is not to say that what I am doing is OK. I am not validating my actions by using the excuse of meeting my dream man. I know what I am doing is morally wrong. But what if it is was your friend, or your child, or even your spouse? Would you want them to forsake the opportunity to experience the most fulfilling, beautiful, powerful relationship they will ever experience with a life partner?
And although it makes life very difficult at times, I an endlessly grateful and excited and astonished and happy that I have met my dream man. And even more grateful and excited and astonished and happy that my dream man loves me. I continue the affair because I think everyone deserves to love and be loved this way. I think very few of us do and are.
I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to end up with my dream man someday. These are my current priorities. You may think all three clash, but I am trying to navigate this life in such a way so that they won't. And it makes life very difficult sometimes. But given my options, I can't imagine my life being any other way than how it is.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
I am a paramour
When my paramour and I first started coming to terms with what was happening and where things were going and realizing that this wasn't a fleeting, temporary situation, I actually Googled, "What is the male version of a mistress?" Because I realized that I didn't know what to call him. My lover? My boyfriend? My other husband? And Wikipedia very knowledgeably asserted that a male mistress was sometimes referred to as a "paramour." It was a word with which I had never really familiarized myself.
It sounds so formal to me, so unsentimental, so technical. "Paramour." It sounds like the scientific term for "mistress." My paramour and I would laugh and laugh at what a ridiculous word it was, and to this day we still have never found a word we think appropriate. But since the topic of each other doesn't really come up in casual conversation ("Oh, my paramour and I just tried that restaurant the other night and the duck confit was fabulous."), we don't really need to find an appropriate word.
I am a married woman. My paramour is a married man. We are not particularly unhappy in our marriages, nor are we particularly happy. Neither of us has cheated before. Neither of us was looking for any extramarital activities. Neither of us wanted this to happen. We most definitely did NOT want this to happen. But it did, and we couldn't stop it. We tried several times in the early stages. But the fact was we were falling madly, passionately, crazily in love with each other, and that's a very very hard thing to stop or walk away from.
I am a realist. Some might say one of my faults is the extent to which I am a realist. I think life is hard. I think shit happens. I think marriage is hard. Really hard. I think shit happens in marriages. I think marriage sets us up for failure. Is it realistic to think that two people who meet each other totally randomly (in a bar, online, on a blind date, on an airplane, whatever) are then going to be able to successfully and happily spend the rest of their lives together? Sometimes yes. A lot of times no. I mean, think how random it is that you go through your life as you, liking what you like, doing what you do, valuing the things you value...and then one day you strike up a conversation with a person in an airport and suddenly you're on a path to sharing EVERYTHING with that random person who just happened to be standing there at that moment.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a romantic. I do believe that some people actually end up with someone with whom they are madly, passionately, crazily in love, and it's not just some temporary or immature thing. Those two people are meant to be together, and they will be in love for the rest of their lives. But I think it is rare, and I think it is sad that it is such a rarity. And the rest of us are just expected to go along as if we are in a perfect marriage, as if we will be so in love for the rest of our lives, as if we still are so in love right now. And I just wish as a society we could be more real about this. More honest.
But, I'm not writing this blog to preach about the rights and wrongs of our societal views of marriage. I'm not writing this blog to convince you (or myself) that what I am doing is OK. I'm not condoning my lifestyle. I am writing this blog because I think love is a very special and powerful force, and I don't take it lightly. And I believe I have met someone that I could be very, very, very in love with for the rest of my life. And that man is not my husband. And every day I face what I have to in order to get closer to a time when I can share my life with that man. But there are so many things going on in my life I can never talk about with anyone, and I desperately want to.
Some of you will read my blog and hate me. You will think I am a horrible person and send me vicious emails. But some of you will relate to me and be so relieved to read my words because affairs are happening everywhere, constantly, and you might be in one yourself. And some of you will simply find my life fascinating. So whatever category you fall into, I am relieved you're out there because I have so much I want to share. And I have no one I can really share it with but you.
It sounds so formal to me, so unsentimental, so technical. "Paramour." It sounds like the scientific term for "mistress." My paramour and I would laugh and laugh at what a ridiculous word it was, and to this day we still have never found a word we think appropriate. But since the topic of each other doesn't really come up in casual conversation ("Oh, my paramour and I just tried that restaurant the other night and the duck confit was fabulous."), we don't really need to find an appropriate word.
I am a married woman. My paramour is a married man. We are not particularly unhappy in our marriages, nor are we particularly happy. Neither of us has cheated before. Neither of us was looking for any extramarital activities. Neither of us wanted this to happen. We most definitely did NOT want this to happen. But it did, and we couldn't stop it. We tried several times in the early stages. But the fact was we were falling madly, passionately, crazily in love with each other, and that's a very very hard thing to stop or walk away from.
I am a realist. Some might say one of my faults is the extent to which I am a realist. I think life is hard. I think shit happens. I think marriage is hard. Really hard. I think shit happens in marriages. I think marriage sets us up for failure. Is it realistic to think that two people who meet each other totally randomly (in a bar, online, on a blind date, on an airplane, whatever) are then going to be able to successfully and happily spend the rest of their lives together? Sometimes yes. A lot of times no. I mean, think how random it is that you go through your life as you, liking what you like, doing what you do, valuing the things you value...and then one day you strike up a conversation with a person in an airport and suddenly you're on a path to sharing EVERYTHING with that random person who just happened to be standing there at that moment.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a romantic. I do believe that some people actually end up with someone with whom they are madly, passionately, crazily in love, and it's not just some temporary or immature thing. Those two people are meant to be together, and they will be in love for the rest of their lives. But I think it is rare, and I think it is sad that it is such a rarity. And the rest of us are just expected to go along as if we are in a perfect marriage, as if we will be so in love for the rest of our lives, as if we still are so in love right now. And I just wish as a society we could be more real about this. More honest.
But, I'm not writing this blog to preach about the rights and wrongs of our societal views of marriage. I'm not writing this blog to convince you (or myself) that what I am doing is OK. I'm not condoning my lifestyle. I am writing this blog because I think love is a very special and powerful force, and I don't take it lightly. And I believe I have met someone that I could be very, very, very in love with for the rest of my life. And that man is not my husband. And every day I face what I have to in order to get closer to a time when I can share my life with that man. But there are so many things going on in my life I can never talk about with anyone, and I desperately want to.
Some of you will read my blog and hate me. You will think I am a horrible person and send me vicious emails. But some of you will relate to me and be so relieved to read my words because affairs are happening everywhere, constantly, and you might be in one yourself. And some of you will simply find my life fascinating. So whatever category you fall into, I am relieved you're out there because I have so much I want to share. And I have no one I can really share it with but you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)